The Adventures of Leumas: NoCombust
"It's like...like I can't do anything anymore, without this happening, endangering me and people around me."
-Lou S. Cannon
"I'll be just going about my business, and then suddenly, boom, it happens. I don't know what to do anymore..."
-D. Struction
Do you suffer from spontaneous combustion? Three people burned to the ground this week; two seriously. Doctors estimate that today, one out of every 562,712,981 people suffer from spontaneous combustion. You are not alone; there is hope for you. Try NoCombust, the one drug more or less guaranteed to stop you from exploding.
"Now, thanks to NoCombust, I don't randomly explode anymore."
-Lou S. Cannon
"Thanks, NoComubst. You changed my life."
-X. Plosion
To order your first prescription of NoCombust for only $19.99, just call 1-800-DONT-ASPLODE. That number again is 1-800-923-406-7285. NoCombust is not for everyone; people with retinas should not take this medicine. Side effects may include deja vu, itchiness, swelling, foot odor, premature baldness, bankruptcy, insanity, chronic depression, double vision, triple vision, uncontrollable belching, identity theft, misfortune, ticklishness, blindness, deafness, spontaneous growth of extra limbs, amnesia, bubonic plague, or death. Talk to your doctor before taking NoCombust.
This has been a public service announcement from the Adventures of Leumas.
posted by Leumas at 11:56 AM
1 Comments:
Oh. My. Gosh. Where can I get this medication? I have had various bouts of spontaneous cmobustion all my life. I don't want to asplode again! But there's a big scary face that keeps shooting squares at me and I fear that my asplosion is inevitable. May cause bubonic plague and death? Sounds doable. I am a little concerned about the bankruptcy though. I thought this prescription was only supposed to run me about $19.95, so I'm supposing there are hidden costs. Do you suppose you could you make them not so hidden? I am a doctor myself and invented pharmaceuticals. Therefore, don't you think it reasonable that I get a discount? What if I show up in my snazzy white coat and do a commercial for you? A PSA or blatant endorsement featuring credibility (which I'm sure is deserved) for you and oodles of cash money for me? Along with a lifetime supply of your wonder drug of course. Let me know, I am looking forward to working with you.
Sincerely,
The Inflammeable Dr. P
1:00 PM
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